Did I Blink God?…This Is the Story of My Little Boy!

Wow, did I blink, God? My baby boy is a young man. He’s not just any young man; he’s a man that loves God, loves others like himself, and enjoys the journey that awaits him. His very own independence journey of college and career-making has ensued. From cradle to wings, my youngest leaves the nest. He is off to fly with the eagles, and I can hardly believe it; this is my story of Chris.

I remember the day as if it were yesterday. We were driving through the Carolina Mountains, and I felt a little queasy and laughed it off. I thought I was losing my mind; was it possible? Just a few months prior, we suffered the loss of our second baby. It was early on as I rounded the corner of the first trimester. (You, Chris, have another brother or sister waiting to meet you in heaven.) That sweet baby was due on Christmas Day. It is that same year, Thanksgiving week, and I feel something telling me you could come; wow! God, did I blink? Is it unimaginable after such a loss that you were allowing me the joy in the mourning?

Thanksgiving approached, and you could find me running after your big sister as she captured every moment while playing with her cousins during our visit to North Carolina. While there, we went for a ride in the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains, and that feeling was again. I wondered whether it could be you trying to get my attention.

I placed my hands on my tummy. I thought, “Hey God, is it possible? Are you giving me another miracle?” I remember a silent prayer and an admission of fear,” Not again, Lord, please, let this not be a dream.” I remember praying to myself, “Dear God, my little girl needs another person to love; please allow this feeling to be that miracle.”

During a gas station break, I went into a convenience store and picked up a cheap pregnancy test. After a beautiful Thanksgiving meal, I would sneak off to an upstairs restroom and pee on the stick when we returned to the house. (Sorry, bud, no way to make that poetic.) As those minutes passed, it felt like years; I tried to live out my entire life and thought of the life of the sibling that had just passed. To say sadness crept in is an understatement. And then, there it was, two solid lines! There you were, my baby, and to find out on Thanksgiving, did I blink God?

Our joy was immediate; It thrilled me with the possibilities of you! I ran down the stairs, cautiously, of course, and found your daddy. When I shared your news, the laughter and amazement swelled in the house with a loud proclamation of thanksgiving. I was tenacious at first as I processed my sweet baby in heaven and my new bundle of joy growing inside my tummy. You were also growing in my heart, and we were excited as we began your journey toward you.

Telling your big sister was excellent. She understood and yet didn't, as a toddler, but she responded to our palpable joy with a sweet and childlike giggle. I was seeing the story of the two of you play out in my head, and before I knew it, a few months had already passed. Did I blink, God?

Then came your first ultrasound, and the doctor said, "I don't see all four chambers of the heart." I was thinking, "I'm surprised you see anything at all. I don't know how you read those things. All I see is snow on a screen until things clear." Then I thought, "Did he say he doesn't see all four heart chambers?" I went goofy in my head again. Fear was creeping in, and then I said, "Nope! God gave me you." I went home, and quickly, a few more weeks had passed, and it was time to find out what sex you were to be. At about sixteen weeks, we were told, "You're having a little girl."

Well, that was a blunder when a few months later, at twenty-six weeks after moving from Texas to North Carolina, the news changed as someone stated, "Are you excited about your little boy? I guess a name change was in order; you went from Ashley to almost "Bubba Truck," a name daddy joked about; therefore God gives us mommies, LOL!

We settled on the name Christopher Bryant, which means "He who holds Christ in his heart, or the Christ Bearer and Bryant, your middle meaning strong. The irony of these names is a wonder. It became clear why God had us choose them as we watched your story unfold.

You came to us at last on August 11th, a beautiful warm summer day in Carolina, and we were once again immediately in love with our third gift from heaven. Your peacefulness awed us as the nurses checked and warmed you. The medical staff had some trouble regulating your body temperature. They told us you were the sweetest little guy, but some concerns were. The doctors and nurses wanted to check out your kind little heart before we went home.

The technician commented, "Don't worry, mommy, it's not too bad of an anomaly." Not something you want to hear when someone's looking at your newborn's heart. I almost went to that scary place again, then I said, "Nope, God gave me you!" Upon arriving home, we heard the news that the cardiologist's office had called. You had a slight problem with your heart, and the doctor wanted to see us the next day. Again, did I blink, God?

Well, bud, you had a little, well, actually a relatively large hole in your heart, and it was going to be awhile, before that changed. However, we named you correctly and a super active little guy. That hole never stopped you. Maybe it did physically for a bit, but your laughter and zest for life shined. I wondered as you struggled, did God give me something so beautiful to love, and take it away again? I admit I let fear consume me in the early days, and I recently heard a song by a dad who went through some of the same emotions that your daddy, sister, and I did.

I love that this song I shared as it expresses how important it is to love with all of me, even if I lose a piece of my heart. I had experienced this before, and yes, I worried, but I lifted you to God, and I loved you with all of me because God gave me you. Before I knew it, you were almost five years old, and at long last, your heart healed. My heart was peaceful, and I knew God had a plan come what may, and you were part of that plan.

We moved from North Carolina back to Texas after you were born. There you received terrific treatment, and you grew into a happy little boy and quite a remarkable athlete. We moved to Pennsylvania when you were seven, your current home state. I remembered you asking before we moved, "Mommy, is there baseball in Pennsylvania?" I thought that was adorable, and the relief on your face when I said, "Oh yes, buddy, baseball is alive in Pennsylvania, and you're going to love it there. Pennsylvania has something else too, beautiful mountains and snow!" You responded with a huge smile, and I knew you were ready to go.

Winter was a new adventure, including snow, "up to your elbows!" You loved the outdoors and sports. You enjoyed great friends and lots of good times and memory-making. Ten beautiful years have swooshed by today; you are seventeen, and it is your graduation day. Did I blink, God?

My little boy ran and played hard, making up for a lost time as his sweet, beautiful heart healed. You and your sister were always close, cohorts in crime getting into everything, and I loved every stinking minute of it. When you were eight, you realized things could get a little hairy for us. I was a little sick, but not too bad, just enough to rock your world and that of your daddy and big sister. You jumped into my lap when I was getting treatment and said, “ Do mommies die?” I responded with a lump in my throat, thinking about my connection to my mommy and the powerful bond. I said,” Well, baby, yes, we all die and go to be with Jesus one day, but, for now, I plan to stay right here. I have to take medicine a different way sometimes.” The trust in your eyes gave me strength like you will never know, and I thank you for that trust. I thank God for letting me watch your story of you!

Then something happened when you were ten that made every rainstorm seem like a sprinkle. You decided you wanted to learn and teach others about Jesus, and in seventh grade at a Christian youth summer camp, you walked up for a ministry call. From what I heard, it was you and another young man. It surprised me as you were not proclaiming to a crowd proving the passion you were feeling. When your sister came home and told me you went up in front of all those people and declared your heart for Jesus, your daddy, I could not have been prouder. First, you dispelled all fear of the unknown and boldly made a statement of your faith that was yours alone. You then headed to Houghton College in New York State to pursue your dreams. Another adventure on your horizon, and it was full of possibilities. God is ready to use every minute of your journey as you set out to climb a new ladder. God has all of you, and He will never let go!

Always remember you are a sibling, and God gave you one another. He planted His word in both of your hearts. You have connected beautifully, and His Holy Spirit is your fuel. There is nothing in this world you cannot do, and you have the world at your feet to explore; both together and apart, you permanently bond at heart.

The day is here; my baby boy has grown into an amazing young man. It’s time to let you spread your wings. My feelings of joy are overwhelming; having the ability to watch your growth; I could not be more proud; I love you. I am here for you and excited for all that you will be for Christ. Thanks for being my sidekick, and thank you, God, for letting me be his dad.

I love you forever; I like you always, and I will forever be your mommy. It took me so long to write this as if to write it was to break the final thread from my womb. How silly am I? You indeed were not mine; you were always God’s child. Therefore, I am so very grateful that God gave me you. I am in awe of the heart created with a large hole only to be poured into by the Holy Spirit. Your strength and peacefulness amaze me. Your calmness comforts so many, and your humor lifts the hurting like that of a real soldier of God, and I am blessed to call you son.

God gave His Son to the world, and now I surrender you to the call He has placed in your heart. Never limit yourself; your potential and value are unending. Always be innovative to be all that you can be. Love and seek God first, as you still have, and I will be your biggest cheerleader. It feels like I blinked, but my eyes are wide-open, ready to see all that is yet to come from the story of YOU ~Our Christopher Bryant~ my wish for you is everything God has for you!